Life’s Decisions

Life’s Decisions

 

Written by: David Maze

 

Jackson Brown was a young 19-year-old male, living in Salt Lake City, Utah. Back when he was in high school, he wanted to become a professional wrestler. But the problem was that he never went to a pro wrestling school because he was too scared to take the first steps. One time he motivated himself to go, but when he got there, he stood for 10 minutes in front of the main entrance door and then turned back around and went home. His brain and heart couldn’t take the pressure. Of course, when he went back home, he cussed on himself for not going in. But in a sense, he also felt relieved. Relieved, that if he would have come into the pro wrestling school his life would have been different, changed. Jackson, doing some thinking over the night came to the conclusion that maybe he doesn’t want big changes.

“It was some nice big dreams sure, but accomplishing them is a whole other thing. I mean, even after doing a couple of years of training in school I would still go out and wrestle to a crowd of only 20 people and probably for no pay at all. And I would just have to sit there and wait until an opportunity would arrive for me while doing some other jobs for a living? Nah, I just better focus on a more normal secure future”. That was the real conclusion that Jackson came up with. In a sense, it was a reality check to come from his teenager's dreams but at the same time, there are people who keep going with the same ideological dreams and they succeed. Jackson knew that himself very well. But he just believed that he wasn’t one of them… And so, the final exams came. Jackson wasn’t very good at studying but he also wasn’t the worst. He was just a normal male student. He graduated from school without too many problems. Jackson only needed to bring a few chocolate bars to a few teachers.

Before graduation, Jackson knew that he didn’t want to join the work society just after finishing school. So, he wanted to study somewhere but the problem was “where?”.

In the end, with his parent's money, Jackson managed to get into “Salt Lake Community College”. To get a degree in AA - Associate of Arts. It’s a two-year transfer degree with general education and pre-major coursework. It will cost him (his parents) around 6,500 dollars in tuition and 1,000 dollars for books and other supplies. After graduating Jackson would hope to be a designer. Designing houses, kitchens, bathrooms. That would make him happy.

“At least it’s won’t be a physical job”.

At that time Jackson was still 19. He never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl in general, except his mom of course. He always gets frustrated from time to time. Wanting to have sex with a girl. It wouldn’t even matter to him if it’s just a one-night stand. Sometimes he would even have thoughts of going outside and raping hot women. But his thoughts are just his thoughts. He would never actually do something like that.

And so, time continued to flow. Jackson barely managed to finish college after two years of studying. Another stepping stone in his life was complete. A 21-year-old Jackson, brimming with the power of youth was in search of a job as a designer. He was still living at his parent’s house. While studying he didn’t live in any dorms because the college was relatively close to his house.

A few more months have gone by but Jackson wasn’t able to find a job. There were a few companies looking for new people but they wanted people who had at least a couple of years of experience.

“If I was looking for a lower status job the experience wouldn’t have mattered because, in those jobs, they need people more who are willing to learn rather than knowing their craft. But with me wanting to get a designer’s job it’s different”. Jackson thought that to himself

Jackson’s parents kept him motivationally supported. But they couldn’t actually support him in getting a job because they didn’t have any relatives or friends who worked in similar sectors.

Jackson was getting more and more devastated by the day. Once, while going to sleep he went into really deep thinking. He thought about many things that night: religion, science, life… death. And after thinking for 20 minutes about death Jackson became scared, almost depressed.

“We’re all going to die but thinking thoroughly about it… It’s really freaking scary man”.

After that night he couldn’t stop thinking about it every day. And so, a total of six months passed away, and still nothing. In that time Jackson has already gone once to a prostitute to lose his virginity because he couldn’t keep his “beast” in his pants anymore. The scene that happened there was rather… amusing.

A couple of weeks ago Jackson filled in his CV for a certain company in hopes of getting an interview from them. The company has checked his CV and asked him to come for an interview on Monday at 9:00 AM. Jackson went to the interview. 

Everything seemed to go smoothly but Jackson himself felt as if he isn’t going to get the job. Perhaps it was the pressure and depressing thoughts that led Jackson to think like that. And maybe because of what he was preparing to do.

It was Wednesday. At 10:00 PM his parents were at a party at that time. Jackson Brown took out his father's revolver from his safe. Jackson knew the password for the safe because he once took notice of the numbers his father was inputting. He wrote a final goodbye letter on the top of the safe for his family in which he was talking about how they shouldn’t blame themselves for what happened. That it was all his decisions and much more.

He had nothing to give and nothing to leave.

It was 10:05 PM. Jackson was sitting in his room looking at the walls, posters of his favorite shows. Thinking again about life and maybe that he shouldn’t do it. Maybe that everything will change. He was thinking about things like that for another good 30 minutes. He kept telling himself that everything will be over if he does this and that all his worries will be over. He didn’t much care about the pain that his parents will feel losing his only son. That their family branch will be forgotten and erased in time much faster.

At 10:36 PM Jackson “manned up” and for the final time decided that he’s going to do it. He lifted up the loaded gun with a single bullet. Just before he pulled the trigger, Jackson had remembered something about a dream he had almost 3 years ago. He wanted to be a pro wrestler. Such a far and unreachable dream for him. It just came quickly to his mind but it triggered a quick flashback of his childhood. Of how his dad let him steer the wheel on roads. How his mom always brought him food to his table. And of his grandparents giving him too many sweets.

All this and so much more went by him from a single thought of his failed dream.

“Yeah… it would have been nice… if I could’ve just stepped through that door 3 years ago… maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I would be just wrestling for a quick buck and doing some other shit jobs. But maybe I would have felt happiness…”

He could’ve stopped and the next day went through those doors. But he just didn’t have the strength in him to prepare for so much.

And with those words at 10:37 PM Jackson pulled the trigger. His blood splattered all over the bed, the posters he so loved, and his family picture.

Jackson Brown a 21-year-old man committed suicide. And on the same day, he made one fatal mistake that could have changed his life. He didn’t check his mailbox. A letter had come in a quick notice.

In the letter, he was accepted to the job.

The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Authors note: 

 

Hi, David here! I wrote this story back in late 2016 when I was in university for my first few months (then the next year, still in my first year of university I failed the last main exams and dropped out lol). Looking back on this story, re-reading it, and analyzing it for a while I thought: “Wow this dude killed himself because he couldn’t get a job for half a year. He gave up on his wrestling dream and would’ve been happy in getting a job as a designer. It is not the regret about not becoming a wrestler. Again, he didn’t care about becoming a wrestler at that point anymore. It was just an old teenage dream that he remembered. So, he literally just killed himself for not getting hired for 6 months.” But then I remembered that plenty of people in life have killed themselves for less. A good example would be my father’s brother. He asked his wife for some money so that he could go and buy himself some beer. His wife didn’t give him the money so, well he hanged himself. Sometimes things that seem unrealistic are actually happening all the time in the world, you just need to look. Well, ending this note I want to say that, I do hope that you will never have to make those decisions that Jackson made. Remember, always make sure to have a goal in life. Even if it’s something small, have one. 

-David Maze